An Ode to Childhood

When we are children, everything is more colourful. Everything is bigger and louder and more exciting. The things we experience are all shiny and brand new, and our brains are like sponges, never bored, always craving information. It's not healthy to live in the past, I know that. But there's no harm in a little reminiscing. It's not that I'm not excited about what's still to come, because I am. However, I want to recall the feeling of utter freedom that comes only with being a child. That innocence and naivety that makes the world look like a playground. That serenity that can be achieved with a simple cuddle. When we are children we are carefree by nature, because there genuinely isn't anything worth worrying about. There is no pressure to be successful, unless it's in regards to a game of Monopoly. No need to impress people, unless there's a chance they'll give you a lolly.

Admittedly, I am a little reluctant to grow up. Sure, I can be mature when it matters. But does maturity mean forfeiting the things that excite me? Does it mean that I have to like gardening as opposed to climbing trees? Favour watching the news over watching The Lion King for example? And spend my Saturdays doing housework, rather than playing with my friends? Because that all sounds monstrous. No matter how old I am. When I was a teenager, I didn't feel I was missing out on anything, I was eager to be treated like an adult. Only now, that I have experienced the big wide world, have I come to the realisation that our childhood years are some of the greatest. If we didn't want to walk, we could be carried. We didn't have to decide what to do with our lives, because we didn't look past getting to school.  Tricky decisions like what to eat for dinner, and which socks to wear, were all made for us. Any problem could most likely be solved with a tasty treat or a kind word.

When you're a child you can be anything you want to be. A princess or a knight, an astronaut, a popstar. Endless possibilities, without the hindering knowledge of them being unlikely. The first thing I can remember wanting to be was a postie.  Riding a bicycle all day and delivering peoples' letters sounded delightful. I then jumped about between teacher, zookeeper, florist and detective, truly believing that I could be all these things. Perhaps I could have been, I'll never know. The point is, my glorious childhood brain imagined it, therefore I saw some truth in it. I didn't pick apart the negatives, like I would with anything nowadays. I didn't think about the salary or the hours or the hard work. Only the enjoyment. That's the power of a child's innocence.

Kids can get away with anything. They say something that would generally be incriminating and rude, but instead it's adorable. I would love to be able to tell people outright that they're annoying, but that just isn't acceptable from the lips of an adult. Children can ask endless questions, and although we may be exasperated, we will still continue answering them. A public tantrum will always be forgiven. Tears are greeted with sympathy, no matter how insignificant the problem is.

Special occasions are always more exhilarating when you're young too. Christmas is about new toys and pretty decorations and Santa Claus. Not about eating too much food, and drinking the day away, and cursing the hideous carols that someone insisted on playing. Birthdays are your special day where you dominate everyone's attention and there is an abundance of presents. You believe you're the most special kid in the world. Just like you believe that a giant bunny comes to your house bearing chocolate. And that a magical fairy is wiling to pay you for your grotty old tooth. A child can believe their life is a fairy tale, without any consequences. A adult living in dreamland is a concern, for a kid on the other hand, it's the definition of normality.

The days of childhood are filled with carefree enjoyment, endless fantasies and minimal complications. I envy my 10-year-old self.  I long for those days, the fun and the craziness and the chance to dream. But at the same time, I have independence, I still have new experiences every day and a long life stretching out before me. So although the lighthearted times may be seemingly behind me, I still have fun. I still have laughter, friends, and an imagination. Childish amusement is something to be embraced rather than evaded. To be young at heart is to have the best of both worlds. Let us look ahead to the incredible days we will encounter, and pay tribute to the ones we once had, never forgetting that dreams last forever. And things are never quite as bad as they seem.

Social Pressure

The human brain is a wonderful and terrible thing. Yes, it's phenomenal the way we homo sapiens think. We have emotions, imagination and a vast range of knowledge all packed into a relatively small, fleshy blob. Remarkable. Yet, there are times when I wistfully think about how simple life would be if I had the brain of say, a butterfly. Or the brain of my cat, thinking only of where I might find the next patch of sun. Because with the human brain, comes all the complications of an advanced mind. The desire to know what the future holds. The fruitless ponderings about what life really means. Or the wondering about what's happening in other people's minds. I often wish there WASN'T so much room in my brain to fill with these trivial things.

You see, I am the kind of person who will take every situation, and over think it. I will find things to worry about, even when worrisome things don't exist. I will lose sleep over imaginary happenings. It's exhausting, it really is. Inventing scenarios in my head, and convincing myself that they will unfold. Perhaps I'm mildly schizophrenic. I may just be a chronic worry-wart. Either way I know it's pointless, but I can't prevent it. I have an ever-present fear that I'm not performing as I should be, or that I'm upsetting or offending people. I secretly hope I'm not alone in this mindset, that there are others who suffer this same insanity. But really, this is not the way the most advanced minds on the planet should function! Constantly pressuring ourselves to be acceptably "normal".

I wish I could say I'm someone who is oblivious to what other people think. The freedom must be extraordinary. Doing whatever you please, as it suits you. I know what you're thinking, you should live like that anyway! Who cares! If only it were that simple. I ask myself questions like, "I bought this 2 years ago, can I still wear it?" or "Will people think I'm rude if I don't go?" As humans, the approval of our peers is essential to our well-being. Even though we will defensively deny it over and over. We will tell ourselves we are happy with our decisions. But in reality if there's nobody to support us, we only continue justifying things because we feel we have a point to prove. So we say "screw them, I am going to go ahead with this idiotic endeavor because I know I am right". But then comes the little niggling in our brains, the questioning of one's motives. "Maybe they aaaare right, maybe it is a waste of time". Etc etc. And the need for approval defeats us. Social pressure rears its ugly head. Sometimes, we indulge in hobbies, not for the enjoyment but for the the label they'll give us. Or we spend hours in the morning fretting over which outfit is more flattering. Just admit it. Sadly, even the approval of strangers can alter our sense of comfort. A stare is enough to make us assume they're judging us. Or if they ignore us, we're either too ugly to be worthy of eye contact, or they're just rude.This is complete madness of course, we know it's not even true yet our minds tell us that it could be, therefore its a  plausible cause for discomfort.

Intertwined with all this feeble uneasiness, there is also the pressure to live up to life's expectations.  We're paranoid about having a reputable job. Paranoid that we will not be married by a certain age. We want to live up to all those cliches that we associate with a happy and successful lifestyle. A loving husband, a nice house, multiple well-behaved children. Things that we can be proud of. I don't know who got to decide that this is the way life should be. Oh wait, I do know, it's called Society. Society rules the subconscious minds of us all. We feel like we're letting ourselves down if we don't comply with the socially acceptable way of doing things. We do not what we want to do, but what the people around us want to see. Sometimes I want to just throw all that out the window. I want to climb a tree, never mind the fact that I'm an adult and we're in a public park. I want to buy a farm with pigs and live there, writing all day, in among my passionfruit vines. Who cares about a real job! But I never would, because of the social burden, and the label it might give me. Okay, so maybe that's a little over the top. I do have ambitions. But I want them to be fueled by desire, not by social pressure.

So the challenge is this. I want my brain to stop arguing with itself every day, over what I should and shouldn't do. I want to exterminate the doubt. Do things based on my own opinion, and not fret about what other people might think or assume. So far I've made a goal to be happy about everything, and a goal to continue welcoming love. This will be the hardest one yet. But if we all did it, there would be a lot more people in the world with smiles on their faces.  If you can truthfully say you aren't a victim of social pressure, then admire you more than you'll ever know. As for the rest of us, if you dream of living a spontaneous, rootless life, do it. Make a crazy investment that you will undoubtedly regret later on down the track. If it's a thrill for a moment or two, then it's worth it. If your goal is to have a husband and a house and a perfect family, go for it. But do it because you want to, not because it's expected. My fellow first-world-worriers, free your minds of social pressure, and perhaps we'll accomplish something more than just a daily headache.

Love Is All Around

In light of my recent ramble about happiness, I discovered that despite my seemingly negative outlook on life,    and my inability to be tactfully expressive, I am in fact something of a hopeless romantic. That's right, I am in love with love. Perhaps it's because I recently had the pleasure of attending a fairy tale wedding. Or maybe it's just that I have too much time to think about irrelevant things, being currently absent from studying. Anyway, my insomnia last night (the best ideas always come when sleep doesn't) led me to thinking about just how important I consider love to be. Love is great. Why else would it be the topic of all the world's greatest literature? If happiness were a car, love would be like the petrol you need to keep it going. Or if happiness were hokey pokey, love would be the chocolate that covers it, making it all the more fantastic. I'm just a sucker for love. I'm like Carrie Bradshaw, only minus the big hair and the hot bod. And the Manhattan apartment. And the Gucci and Chanel. Okay so I'm nothing like Carrie, enough with the wishful thinking. I'm just an ordinary person, with a lot of love to share.

If I were a cartoon character, I would be one of those big red lovehearts, with arms and legs and a face. Walking around making people love each other. Like cupid, except I'd be way cooler and I wouldn't be naked. My own heart is too big for my own good. I fall in love too easily. I stumbled awkwardly through my adolescence, foolishly believing I was genuinely in love with a multitude of males. There was probably a new crush-candidate for each month of my high school life.  Admittedly, most of them I just watched creepily from afar, always too scared to emit a single word while in their presence, but still somehow managing to make my feelings embarrassingly obvious. And more than once, I threw myself headfirst into relationships that were completely dysfunctional, thinking that love would undoubtedly see us through. Blind to everything negative. A lot has changed since then.

You would think that my being so full of love would mean that my heart is open to everyone. Not quite. I don't have love for the guy who shares his B.O with me on the bus. Nor for the people who jump the queue at the supermarket, and then pretend they're innocent. Also, love, when it's openly displayed, makes me horrendously uncomfortable. I am no fan of public displays of affection. Holding hands at the shops makes me mildly embarrassed. If people kiss, I want to yell at them to go home. Yes yes we all know you're his and he's yours. No need to bombard us with it. I've never really enjoyed big romantic gestures either. Perhaps I've just never had them directed at me, so I am unfamiliar with the fondness one is meant to feel. Having flowers delivered to work for example, that's nice, but may cause unwanted attention for people who wish to remain invisible. The thought of a public proposal makes me cringe, regardless of the fact that it's not at all likely in my near future. My own contradiction confuses me. I guess love is like anything, I like it when it's not thrust in my face.

Love, just like happiness, is a very heavy word. It builds hope, but also has the power to shatter it. It alters the way people think and act, sometimes substituting common sense for idiocy. Sometimes making us believe things that are so blindingly false that we shouldn't even be allowed to call ourselves humans. Because humans are smarter than that. They're not influenced by magnetic impulses right? Wrong. Love and attraction completely override all the rules of rationality. Is that a bad thing? I don't think so. Entertaining sure, when it's not you who is making a hopeless fool out of herself in the name of love.

So when it comes to love, where do we draw the line? It enriches our lives, yet we can't allow it to control them.We can't sacrifice everything for it, and we can't spend our lives searching for it, even though countless others before us have. If it's unrequited love, life is miserable. If only daisy petals really could decide for us. Loves me, loves me not. Settled, and we accept it graciously either way. Rather than having the heartbreak and the rejection and the moping. Even when it's consensual, it still drives people crazy.  But love also makes people kind. It makes people selfless, and open to more possibilities than they would otherwise recognize. Family love, friendly love, romantic love and passion. In this ever-changing, money-hungry world, love needs to be more dominant. I've been hurt, I've been lied to and walked all over. Yet I welcome love like I welcome sunshine and ice cream. I have a heart and I have a brain. I listen to them both. It may make me vulnerable, but it's the best way to be.

"WHEN WE'RE HUNGRY, LOVE WILL KEEP US ALIVE"

The Object of Happiness

Happiness is a word that poses endless questions. We all know it. We've all asked ourselves at one point or another "am I happy?". "Am I content with my life, or am I settling for something?".

So what is it really? More than just an emotion, that's for sure. Something that any human being, in any stage of their life, strives to achieve. 

From the moment we are born our sole focus is to create an environment in which we can be happy. We ponder it, we question it, and we reassure ourselves before questioning it again.

I am something of a negator when it comes to the big things in life. "Why would I want to study and get a degree, all it will do is put me in debt" and "Why should I strive to achieve when it's the no-hopers that get everything for free?". "Who says marriage is a good idea, in three years I might despise you!". "Children? You mean drooling, pooping, screaming machines..." 

Truth is, I am just so reluctant to grow up, because it means that I must make all these life-changing decisions, and being unhappy is a very real danger. Gone are the days when happiness was achieved with a lollipop, or a compliment from a teacher. 

I am now at the stage where I must create a happy LIFE for myself, rather than just temporary enjoyment. Scary stuff, huh?

So here is the situation. I am part-way through a degree that I am finding pleasantly interesting. I have a career in mind, but I also have the worry that I will be unable to acheive said career, and be left with some hideous monotonous job and a large loan to repay. 

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man, who supports me both financially and emotionally. I can see myself embarking on all the journeys life has to offer, hand in hand with him. But who's to say that he won't wake up tomorrow and decide he's had enough of me? 

What if... what if, one day I end up with nobody to love and no roof over my head? You see, happiness can trick you into a false sense of security. It pretends to be your friend until one day it favours some other lucky soul and you fall into the clutches of misery.

 Unhappiness is an ever-present fear. Surely I am not alone in this mindest.

In my short 22 years, I have (and I'm certain others have too) experienced uplifting delight , right the way down to soul-crushing dejection, and everything in between. But stangely enough, it's the positive things that stand out. Like the fact that I once toppled down a rocky cliff, yet all my bones remain unbroken. Positive right? Or the way the end of one relationship opened the door to another. 

Watch out, this is corny, but there IS a silver lining for everything. You just have to make the most of it. 

This morning, for some unbeknown reason, I had an epiphany. And my epiphany was this, why do we stress about being happy, when the means to achieve it are right in front of us? We need to learn to appreciate the little things we are thankful for, beacause these are the things that will never let us down. 

Instead of worrying about calories, add some more chocolate sauce, because you know you want to. Stop complaining that technology is taking over the world, and enjoy the fact that someone "liked" your photo. Be happy that there are no clouds in the sky, even if a storm is forecast for tomorrow. Don't worry that another birthday means another year older, just revel in the presence of cake and gifts! Instead of stressing about the big questions, just recognise all those little morsels of joy, they're what will really get you through life. Instead of saying "what have I achieved?", look forward to all the things that are still to come. 

Don't pretend it doesn't please you when you get a kiss on the cheek in the morning. Or when your cat greets you at the door after a hard day. These are the things we must learn to acknowledge. That way, happiness is a realistic, achievable goal.

My aim is to recognise all the things that put a smile on my face, be they small and trivial, or life-changing. Am I searching desperately for reassurance? Perhaps. But at least I know that I'm striving for something real, and enjoying it in the process. 

Perhaps that's what achieving happiness truly feels like. Perhaps.